Inside The Mind of An Anxious Bipolar

What everybody, who is not somehow associated with Bipolar Affective Disorder, fails to understand is how a disease takes over every single part of one’s life and why one would use this disease as an “excuse” for all the tasks one couldn’t complete. Its hard for somebody who doesn’t have Anxiety to understand why one feels so out of place in one’s own classroom, why even familiar faces appear cold. You’ll know what helplessness is when you see all these affecting the one thing you wanted to be right in your life. Your grades start to fall and being a child of Asian parents, that’s the worst way of letting your parents down. Your parents, your hardworking honest loving down-to-earth parents, who never asked anything else from you. Your parents who, despite being unfamiliar with the term bipolar at first, accepted everything, even your average grades, with a smile.
So you become desperate, you understand that you NEED to up your act. You understand this, yet you can do nothing about it. You miss classes, you can’t study and you inform yourself that you are a fool for even considering good grades in your life again. You try to encourage yourself by saying you’ll do better the next time. But you don’t believe that for a second yourself. You blame yourself, you doubt the existence of your illness, you start suspecting that maybe you are just a lazy, inactive person. And your indolence is affecting your loved ones. You think of escaping, once and for all. But you are told by your parents that they would rather have you with your average grades than no you at all. You wish they wouldn’t say that, you wish they would rather see you dead. So you continue to breathe and try to ignore what feels like a personal purgatory.

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4 thoughts on “Inside The Mind of An Anxious Bipolar

  1. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread

    A parent loves a child unconditionally, and the absolute worst thing that could happen to them is to lose a child for whatever reason. Good grades are nice if it is a reflection of a student understanding the class information. But, remember one thing – once you are out of school and have the diploma from wherever, no one ever asks you what grade you received in a particular class. Do the best you can in any particular hour and be proud of that. 🙂

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  2. offshoots12

    this is powerful and something I relate to as I am a perfectionist myself (or at least I used to be one.) You are fortunate that your parents love you for who you are and not what you do. They love you no matter what…that is a blessing! Now, it is time for YOU to love you no matter what. You deserve that for all that you’ve been through. Be kind, be gentle on yourself. This disease is hard enough on us. We must have compassion for ourselves like we would for a dear friend who was going through the same thing. I hope you can see that. Hang in there. 🙂

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    1. suzzeta Post author

      Thank you so much. I wish there were more people like you, people who are compassionate, people who are kind, instead of people who think will power alone is enough to cure a bipolar 🙂

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