Category Archives: Depression

Inside The Mind of An Anxious Bipolar

What everybody, who is not somehow associated with Bipolar Affective Disorder, fails to understand is how a disease takes over every single part of one’s life and why one would use this disease as an “excuse” for all the tasks one couldn’t complete. Its hard for somebody who doesn’t have Anxiety to understand why one feels so out of place in one’s own classroom, why even familiar faces appear cold. You’ll know what helplessness is when you see all these affecting the one thing you wanted to be right in your life. Your grades start to fall and being a child of Asian parents, that’s the worst way of letting your parents down. Your parents, your hardworking honest loving down-to-earth parents, who never asked anything else from you. Your parents who, despite being unfamiliar with the term bipolar at first, accepted everything, even your average grades, with a smile.
So you become desperate, you understand that you NEED to up your act. You understand this, yet you can do nothing about it. You miss classes, you can’t study and you inform yourself that you are a fool for even considering good grades in your life again. You try to encourage yourself by saying you’ll do better the next time. But you don’t believe that for a second yourself. You blame yourself, you doubt the existence of your illness, you start suspecting that maybe you are just a lazy, inactive person. And your indolence is affecting your loved ones. You think of escaping, once and for all. But you are told by your parents that they would rather have you with your average grades than no you at all. You wish they wouldn’t say that, you wish they would rather see you dead. So you continue to breathe and try to ignore what feels like a personal purgatory.

Torn

I looked at my husband.
He was crying like a baby, the sides of his face in my hands, his four days old stubble grazing my palms.
At that moment, the line between romantic affection and motherly love wasn’t there anymore and my heart went out to him like he was my own kid.
I felt like I was dying of cancer, not by suicide, and that he was my four year old son.
It was as if he had been looking at the doctors coming at our house for days and although he hadn’t quite figured out what really was wrong yet, he knew in his heart that his mother was going away, somewhere very far.
All I could think of was how he would get very lonely soon.

“Look at the Bright Side”

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Things were getting tougher as the days went by. He was supposed to be brave, but he could only manage to gather the courage needed to really look at the darkness that was coming towards him, slowly, but surely, to grasp him, to take him in, to devour him whole. He couldn’t move, he had neither the strength nor the courage to step away…

When My Laptop Shouts “Threat has been detected”

I lie there.
Silence.
I just keep myself lying there on my bed and do nothing.
Count your breaths. 1,2,3,4,…
I reach 12. That’s when you are supposed to stop breathing through your mouth and start breathing through your nose. That’ll help calm me down. At least that’s what my shrink says.
but it doesn’t.
All on a sudden, my laptop shouts “Threat has been detected!”
I wish I could shout like that.
When was the last time I actually shouted, screamed?
Threat has been detected people, I could lose control any time now.
Please hear what the software has to say.
“Threat has been detected.”