Category Archives: Love

Inside The Mind of An Anxious Bipolar

What everybody, who is not somehow associated with Bipolar Affective Disorder, fails to understand is how a disease takes over every single part of one’s life and why one would use this disease as an “excuse” for all the tasks one couldn’t complete. Its hard for somebody who doesn’t have Anxiety to understand why one feels so out of place in one’s own classroom, why even familiar faces appear cold. You’ll know what helplessness is when you see all these affecting the one thing you wanted to be right in your life. Your grades start to fall and being a child of Asian parents, that’s the worst way of letting your parents down. Your parents, your hardworking honest loving down-to-earth parents, who never asked anything else from you. Your parents who, despite being unfamiliar with the term bipolar at first, accepted everything, even your average grades, with a smile.
So you become desperate, you understand that you NEED to up your act. You understand this, yet you can do nothing about it. You miss classes, you can’t study and you inform yourself that you are a fool for even considering good grades in your life again. You try to encourage yourself by saying you’ll do better the next time. But you don’t believe that for a second yourself. You blame yourself, you doubt the existence of your illness, you start suspecting that maybe you are just a lazy, inactive person. And your indolence is affecting your loved ones. You think of escaping, once and for all. But you are told by your parents that they would rather have you with your average grades than no you at all. You wish they wouldn’t say that, you wish they would rather see you dead. So you continue to breathe and try to ignore what feels like a personal purgatory.

To see his little face……I search

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I sit down. Under the shade of a big apartment building, I sit down. Thirst for a glass of water was starting to get to me, but I have been thirsty for years now, for my baby boy’s face, my eyes heat up from not seeing his face for three years. I have a photo of him, but all babies look alike, even if they didn’t, who would have cared enough to set my boy apart? I ask people showing them the picture, but they barely seem to care. I am after all a nobody. My wife tried to make me believe that the “fereshta” (angel of death) took him, but I knew that wasn’t possible. My baby is so strong he can fight lions bare handedly.
But my boy has gone somewhere secret now, somewhere even his father is not allowed to know. But what his baby boy failed to understand was he was the only light in his father’s life. Now that he cannot see him face to face, most of his time is spent shutting his eyes closed. That’s the only way I can watch my baby boy these days.

My Very Handsome Other Half Orange

Does my Boyfriend not look a bit like of Mongolian descent? :3
He is an absolute sweetheart btw.
All throughout my depression, he has been SO patient with me! Thank you for trusting me, for having faith in me, for never stopping believing in me.
I am what I am today for my parents, my baby sis and this superhero right here in this photo.
Never let go of me, please…