I lie there.
I just keep myself lying there on my bed and do nothing.
Count your breaths. 1,2,3,4,…
I reach 12. That’s when you are supposed to stop breathing through your mouth and start breathing through your nose. That’ll help calm me down. At least that’s what my shrink says.
but it doesn’t.
All on a sudden, my laptop shouts “Threat has been detected!”
I wish I could shout like that.
When was the last time I actually shouted, screamed?
Threat has been detected people, I could lose control any time now.
Please hear what the software has to say.
“Threat has been detected.”
Its not like I cannot find bits of happiness on the face of winter or the rain ( I actually am genetically wired to like the rain. In our culture, it being an agricultural one, you can easily imagine how important rain is for us)
But Sun! Oh the SUN!!!
The way its rays glorify the earth!
That morning I went into our balcony (without a mug of coffee in my hands, they suit movies better than they suit me) and after it had touched all the objects of upper class of the length (like leaves and tall buildings) it touched me.
Oh, it touched me and my eyes and it went straight into my heart! My heart felt warmer than ever before! I ran and put on the bluest of the dresses I could find in the closet and put that on telling myself, “If there is a day you are going to put this on without any fear, that day is today!”
I’ll criticize myself.
My behaviour can in no way be called static these days. Fluctuation is becoming my “thing”. I want to apologise to everybody who is being affected because of my ever changing “mood” and choices.
Its been a whole year and I don’t think I have made a single friend in my class. Friends as in buddies, who I can gossip with, who I will save a seat for. And I like it that way. I want myself friendless.
I love silence. But then again, I love music. i love to shut my eyes and imagine myself elsewhere. But then again, I love my books. I love my hamster ball. But then again, I want to spread peace outside that sphere.
I understand that this kind of behaviour is considered anti-social. And that is why I am criticizing myself and confessing at the same time. I am an out-of-sight out-of-mind type of a person, and this makes it easier to remain an introvert.
it’s not like I don’t have any friends. I do, but all of them are ancient old pals. Like Zeba has been a friend of mine for 18 years now. But we hardly talk anymore. If I am in need of a friend or she is, we’ll call each other up without hesitating a moment.
So here it is, all out in the open. I love the people in my class but this is the reason I never join any groups or be particularly friendly with any specific person.
Flowers like these are so hard to come by in our city. you can imagine my surprise when I found this little bunch in front of a hospital! Hospitals should definitely plant more of these around them. there are scientific studies where it has been proven that environments that contain fresh plants are more healthy and pro-healing than those that don’t. (mind you, allergy to pollens is very rare in our country 🙂 )